Level Up Your Sex Life
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
by Emily Nagoski
Psychology
TL;DR
This book is your no-BS guide to understanding why your sex drive is weirdly unique and how to actually get in the mood without feeling broken. It's all about tuning into your body's signals, managing your "brakes" and "accelerators", and realizing that stress is the ultimate boner killer. You'll learn to ditch the societal pressure and figure out what actually works for you, not some porn star. Basically, it's about self-acceptance and practical hacks for a better sex life, no matter what your body's doing.
Action Items
For the next 24 hours, pay attention to what genuinely makes you feel good (your 'gas pedal' moments, even small ones) and what makes you feel stressed or shut down (your 'brake' moments). No judgment, just observe.
Before you even think about getting frisky, do one small thing that genuinely chills you out. Could be blasting your favorite hype song, scrolling through memes for 10 mins, or just staring blankly at a wall. De-stress first, then maybe think about sex.
Look around your space. Is there one thing that makes you feel kinda 'meh' or unsafe? Maybe it's a messy corner, bad lighting, or a door that doesn't lock. Fix one tiny thing today to make your 'sex zone' feel more chill and private, even if it's just tidying your bed.
Forget the 'finish line' for a sec. Today, just touch yourself (or let someone touch you) in a way that feels good, without any pressure for it to lead to anything specific. Explore what makes your skin tingle, even if it's just a gentle rub on your arm. It's about the journey, not just the destination.
Unlock the full book to see more action items
Key Chapter
Chapter - Your Brain's Sex Buttons: The Dual Control Model
Ever wonder why sometimes you're horny AF and other times you'd rather watch paint dry? This chapter drops the bomb that your sex drive isn't just one thing, but a combo of two main systems: your accelerator (things that turn you on) and your brakes (things that turn you off). Think of it like driving a car – you need both to get anywhere safely. Society often tells us to just hit the gas, but if your brakes are slammed on (hello, stress, body image issues, or just being tired), you're going nowhere fast. Understanding your unique balance of these two is game-changing. It means you can stop blaming yourself and start figuring out what actually helps you get in the mood and what's totally killing your vibe. It's about personalizing your pleasure and realizing there's no "normal."
Key Methods and Approaches
Your Brain's Sex Buttons
(AKA: The Dual Control Model)
Description:
Your sex drive isn't a simple on/off switch; it's a car with an accelerator and brakes.
Explanation:
Imagine your brain has two big buttons for sex: one that's like the gas pedal (your "accelerator" for turn-ons) and one that's like the brake pedal (your "brakes" for turn-offs). Everyone's buttons are wired differently. Some people have super sensitive gas pedals, others have super sensitive brakes. It's like trying to drive a car where the gas pedal is stuck or the brakes are always slightly on. You gotta figure out your car's unique quirks to get it moving.
Examples:
"My accelerator is super sensitive, so even a hot glance gets me going, but my brakes are also sensitive, so stress shuts me down instantly."
"My brakes are always on because I'm constantly worried about my body, so even when I want to, my body just says 'nope'."
"Realizing my partner's brakes are different from mine helps me understand why they might not be in the mood even if I am."
Today's Action:
For the next 24 hours, pay attention to what genuinely makes you feel good (your 'gas pedal' moments, even small ones) and what makes you feel stressed or shut down (your 'brake' moments). No judgment, just observe.
End of Preview
Want to read the complete insights, methods, and actionable takeaways? Unlock the full book experience with Pro.
Your daily 1-minute insights